This will be “out there” for some of you.
Given the recent work that I’ve been doing with the karmic healer, I’ve started to take notes on everything that I do, in case something that I am doing is affecting Moses. As you know, I stopped energy healing and teaching yoga since the healer said that I am basically a huge energetic sponge and my body likes to suck out pain and suffering from people’s bodies, and in turn, Moses does the same for me.
I’ve started noticing that Moses has been having night terrors or winds up with pain and sometimes even in the hospital when I attend yoga classes, dance classes and meditation classes. He wound up in the ER while I attending one yoga class, and within hours of another yoga class that I attended. Moses will be perfectly fine when I leave the house, and when I return, DH will tell me that Moses inexplicably will start having abdominal pain, or if he’s asleep, will have one to two night terrors. And the next morning, Moses will describe to me in vivid detail the monsters that he has seen during his dreams.
I’m at the point where I am starting to take all of this very seriously. I’ve been tracking Moses long enough to know that Moses would always get sick or even wind up in the hospital after I attend or host a ceremony, ritual, healing circle and Wish Game. Every single time. And since hindsight is 20/20, these are some additional things that I am starting to remember:
- The very first time that I brought Moses to see a shamanic healer when he was 2.5 years old, he cried and screamed like I’d never seen him cry and scream before.
- He had one of his first anaphylactic reactions after I started playing Doreen Virtue’s “chakra healing” cd for the first time when he was 2 years old.
- Within days of receiving my Munay-ki rites of healing, Moses wound up in the hospital when he was 2 years old with abdominal bleeding (we thought it was because of accidental exposure to eggs at the time, but we don’t really know for sure what the cause was).
- He developed pneumonia that required hospitalization after he received a Reiki attunement when he was 3 years old.
- The very next day after I played the Wish game when he was 5 years old, Moses wound up in the hospital with pneumonia for 3.5 days.*
- In Sept 2012, Moses developed 5 abscesses after I attended and I spent a lot of time in sacred ceremony and ritual.
- After spending time in ceremony with an African shaman last summer, Moses developed a total of 17 abscesses, 6 that needed to be drained by a surgeon. A couple of those abscesses spontaneously arose while I was actually in ceremony with the shaman (i.e., they weren’t there when I left in the morning and by the time that I returned to the house at the end of the day, he had new huge abscesses under his armpit).
- October 2013 – Moses developed a dental abscess the morning after I hung out with two of my spiritual friends (no ceremony).
- He had an anaphylactic reaction to canned beans while I was doing a ceremony recommended by the African shaman, and Moses had helped me gather the plants that were used in the ceremony.
- New since this blog post: May 2014 – Moses wound up with a UTI infection that required IV antibiotics and 7 days of hospitalization within a day of spending time with four of my spiritual friends (no ceremony).
I am obviously a very slow learner, and I am finally starting to listen.
Why did it take me so long to see that the ceremonies and healing rituals that I was doing was possibly not helping?
- Because I believed in the paradigm of healing reactions, so I thought that all of these ceremonies were “bringing things to the surface” and the illness and abscesses were possibly a good sign.
- Because I felt that the intention behind the ceremonies were good and loving (and they were), and could not possibly result in a negative outcome.
I have been trying to learn different ways to run my energy so that I don’t unwittingly take on the world’s sufferings (and in turn pass them on to Moses). It hasn’t been easy for me since I’ve been running my energy in this way for years / decades, and even lifetimes. I have been a medicine man / woman / shaman / healer for so many lifetimes. It’s what I know.
I am sharing this with you today since it’s a couple of days after the spring equinox, and I often participate in a spring equinox ceremony around this time of year. Some of my friends are going to be participating in one tonight, and a part of me longs to be there. There’s still a part of me that is grieving a loss of a big part of my identity and even community. I even dreamed about it last night. In my dream, I explained to the community why I was no longer participating in ceremony, and they told me that they felt it was a shame because I was such a big healer. I explained in turn that it wasn’t me that was the healer, but my son, and I could no longer do it.
I shared how I was feeling with a dear friend a couple of days ago. I shared how I was grieving a loss of identity and also that I felt lonely and a bit crazy. As much as the shamanic path is a lonely path anyway as it’s not very mainstream, I had been happy that I had found it because I had felt in community with other like-minded people.
It sounds crazy, doesn’t it – the fact that I feel that I can’t go to dance, meditation or yoga class for fear that Moses might wind up in the hospital.
Still, I am not alone. I do still have some friends who understand me and respect my journey.
My wise friend felt that this transformation that I was going through was going to open up something new and beautiful. She just knows it. And she also reminded me that it doesn’t need to be forever. Right now, I’m still learning the tools and learning to run my energy another way that’s healthier for me and Moses. Once I have learned to run my energy in a healthy way, I will likely be able to be in group situations without taking on other people’s stuff.
Until then, I am going to practice running my energy in a healthy way. I can still go for walks in nature. Thankfully, working out at the Y seems to be perfectly fine, and even taking yoga classes at the Y seems to be fine as well. I can hang out with friends, meet them for tea and go out for dinner. So, it’s really not all that bad!
And it’ll all be worth it if helps me and Moses in the long run.
* Reading through some of my older posts, it was very interesting for me to read that I wrote these words on August 20, 2011 (almost 3 years ago):
You’ll probably be surprised by this, but [my Heilkunstler and I] both sensed that the pneumonia was likely a healing reaction to the major heart-opening I had the night before he was in the hospital. (Moses and I are very linked [as all children are with their mothers and Moses is particularly empathic] and my heart shift was so profound that it cleared through him as well, and resulted in him getting pneumonia). I know that probably sounds odd, but the truth is that I can think of at least four other occasions when Moses has wound up sick or in the hospital after I have a huge opening / healing. I don’t really understand it (and I don’t necessarily like it), but there does appear to be a link. I just trust that in the grander scheme of things, this is somehow for the greater good of our family.
I have been seeing this pattern for a long, long time.