I’m sorry, dear readers, but we’ve been going through a difficult time… And everything is raw right now.
I’ve been thinking a lot about suffering lately.
I feel that one of the most difficult things to do is to not be able to take away your child’s pain.
Moses’ pain is so intense that sometimes morphine doesn’t even touch his pain.And he is begging to be released from his pain, for mom to help relieve him of his pain.
He feels abandoned by the doctors and the nurses.
Doesn’t understand why he is in the hospital and no one is there to help him with his suffering.
For hours on end, he begs and screams and yells…
“Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom!!!!
I’m in PAIN.
My stomach hurts.
I feel sick.
Why aren’t you doing anything??”
And, it’s taking all of me just to hold it together.
It’s taking all of me to be present with his pain.
I tell him that all I can do is to pray and to snuggle him and to massage him with some oils. That’s all I can do.
And he yells at me…
“Praying doesn’t help!! The oils don’t help!!
The medicine doesn’t help!!
Why am I the only who suffers?
Why am I the only one who has bumps?
I just want the bumps to go away.
I hate being me.
I hate being me.
Why aren’t you doing anything, MOM? Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom.
I’m in PAIN!!! I’m in pain!
Mom, mom, mom, mom, MOM. I hurt. My belly hurts. I’m in PAIN.”
And it takes all of me to be able to stay there, in the presence of his suffering.
And this goes on and on and on for hours.
And I feel powerless.
I tell him that I’m sorry that he has to go through this. That it’s not fair, and that I’m sorry.
And it breaks my heart.
This quote has come up for me…
I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.
I’m finding it very, very difficult. Please join us in our prayers. For ease. For healing. For us to be able to return home soon.
- This piece resonates with me. To the Mommas of the Special Ones on the Hard Days.